Subway Series Redux

Featuring Agents: Lovejoy, and Todd


Mission One: The V Train Players

On Sunday, December 16 the MTA introduced a new subway line, the “V” train. On the first business day of the line’s service, IE agents Lovejoy and Todd decided the new train was something to celebrate. The two entered a V train car around 9:30 PM singing “The V Train Song”. They speak with absurdly ‘peppy’ voices.

Todd: [singing] Veeeeeeee Vee Ve Ve Vee
Lovejoy: [singing, bass part] Ve Ve Ve Ve Ve Ve Ve Ve
Todd: What’s up everyone!?! We’re The V Train Players! Wooo!!!
Lovejoy: Wooooo!

(the two continue singing)

Todd: We’re here to celebrate the new V Train! Wooo!!!
Lovejoy: Is anyone riding the V Train for the first time?

(young guy shyly raises hand)

Todd: We got a V Train Virgin! Wooooo!!!!
Lovejoy: Woooo!! Ladies and Gentlemen, we are the V Train Players.
Todd: My name is Victor
Lovejoy: And my name is Vance
Todd: And we’re here to celebrate the new V Train!
Lovejoy: Hey Victor?
Todd: Hey Vance?
Lovejoy: It’s time for the V Train Brain Game!
Todd: Woooo! That’s right, we’re going to be giving away fabulous prizes!

(Todd reaches into pocket and produces a fan of 30 MetroCards)

Todd: That’s right, the winners of our game show will receive and Unlimited MetroCard for novelty use only!
Lovejoy: Let’s find out first contestant! Does anyone’s name start with the letter “V”?

(no one responds. people on the train try in vain to ignore Todd and Lovejoy)

Todd: Can anyone name a name that starts with the letter “V”?

(60 year old man raises his hand)

60 Year Old Man: Victor.
Todd: Alright! You know me!!
Lovejoy: We’ve got our first contestant! Now, in order to win, you’ll have to name at least 4 words that begin with the letter “V” in under 10 seconds. Victor, is the timer ready?
Todd: Hold on… it’s got to move back around to the 12. (pause) Ok! It’s ready… 1,2,3, go!
60 Year Old Man: Let’s see… Vagina… Victory… Volume… Vanish….
Lovejoy: We’ve got a winner!!!! That’s 4!!!

(Lovejoy and Todd give each other a high five)

Todd: Here is your Unlimited MetroCard for novelty use only! (hands card to 60 Year Old Man)
60 Year Old Man: Thanks!

At this point, a woman from the back of the train screams out, “I want to play!”. Todd and Lovejoy play the V Train Brain Game with her, and she is awarded with her own Unlimited MetroCard for novelty use only. Lovejoy and Todd announce that there is a limit of 2 winners per car, and close the ride with a singing of the V Train medley, which consists of them singing as many words that start with “V” as they can. The V Train Players perform their act on two more cars before calling it a day.

Other Highlights:

  • Woman mutters as The V Train Players leave the car, “You guys are obviously not from the MTA.”
  • Man asks for directions and The V Train Players refer him to the “handy dandy V Train subway map!”

Mission Two: The Cell Phone

Later in the evening, Todd and Lovejoy made their way to the above-ground N train in Queens. For those who don’t know, Cell Phones only work on above-ground trains. Todd entered the very front car on the train and Lovejoy entered the car behind him. Lovejoy called Todd on his cell phone at around 10 PM.

Lovejoy: Charlie?
Todd: Yes?
Lovejoy: Hey it’s Richard…
Todd: Richard! Hey, buddy how are you?
Lovejoy: Doing ok…
Todd: I’m sorry to hear about everything… I got your message yesterday…
Lovejoy: Yeah…
Todd: So she just kicked you out, huh?
Lovejoy: Yeah… pretty much. I’m doing ok. I’m actually in New York right now.
Todd: No way! That’s awesome. We should get together sometime next week or something…
Lovejoy: Yeah, I might kinda need a place to stay…
Todd: No problem, you could crash at our place. I’ll talk to Kate about it tonight… you want to meet me tomorrow when I get off work?
Lovejoy: Well… I kinda need somewhere to stay tonight.
Todd: Oh. Wow. Well, of course you can stay with us… stay until you get your feet–
Lovejoy: –I won’t overstay my welcome, don’t—
Todd: I know. (pause) I haven’t seen you since graduation day, man.
Lovejoy: Yeah… 6 years.
Todd: Sorry I’ve been so bad at keeping in touch with everyone…
Lovejoy: I’ve been just as bad…
Todd: Well, I guess you need directions to my place
Lovejoy: Actually, I found your website and got the address before I left.
Todd: Oh, cool. You just take the N train to Astoria, you know where that is?
Lovejoy: I’m on the N train right now, actually… thought I’d head your way…
Todd: You’re on the train now? I’m on the N train now!
Lovejoy: Yeah… we just left the Broadway stop…
Todd: Wait… Dude! I think we’re on the same train!
Lovejoy: No way!
Todd: (looking around) I’m on the very front car.
Lovejoy: Hold on.

(Lovejoy leaves his car and enters Todd’s car)

Todd: Oh my God!!

(Todd and Lovejoy embrace, nearly crying)

Lovejoy: I can’t believe this!!
Todd: Welcome to New York! This is so amazing!

Lovejoy and Todd sit down and catch up. None of the passengers on either car became vocally involved with the scene, but all were paying close attention and were visibly affected by the event. Many passengers in Lovejoy’s car got up and looked through the window to watch the reunion. Two young girls sitting across from the duo reacted with embarrassment, and did everything they could to avoid eye contact. Lovejoy and Todd got off the train at the last stop, presumably heading to Todd’s home.

Two more subway scenes, and two more stories for folks to tell. Mission Accomplished.


  1. The cell-phone stunt leading up to the reunion is the highlight here. Great stuff! I once did this to my wife (she wasn’t in on the joke though), but in a public place I went up to her and hugged her and starting speaking loudly about how amazing it was to bump into her after all these years…

  2. I love this scene. I really like how your scenes are so happy and positive. Teary reunions… sniff.

  3. What is funny about the first story is that in Chicago when the CTA Re-Routed its main train lines to create its current Red and Green lines it created to cute but loveable and goofy characters named Ho-DaR and LE-Jac.
    (Howard-Dan Ryan and Lake-Englewood Jackson Park the ends that would now be connected).

    These characters were Red for the Red Line and Green for the Green Line and wore funny little suits and gave out maps and token holder key-chains and the like.

    So what your V characters were missing for reality was probably cute little character costumes. Hats, make-up, white gloves and nice shirts with a V on the front and MTA on the back would have done a lot for verisimilitude.

    The second story was really funny. If you were going to do a part 3 try this. Guy ordering from a catalog with his credit card on his cell phone. He gets through it, gives his expiration date and the other, shouts, could you repeat that sir, I didn’t get that, and he repeats it, then the other shouts, thank you! My Plasma Screen TV will be on the Way Shortly!

    The funny part of this is that it is mostly a true story. I was on a double decket Metra Train in Chicago in the AM Rush Hour and some guy was actually doing this, he got about 8 numbers in when I yelled upstairs, "Could your repeat those last two numbers, I didn’t get them?" Which made the whole car which was stunned that anyone could do anything sooooo stupid burst into uproarious laughter. Embarassed he just said into the phone, "Um, I’ll have to call you back later." To which the car gave him resounding applause and laughter.

    It was one of those wish I’d said that moments when it actually stumbled out of my mouth. Why deprive your MTA audience of such laughs?

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