The Safety Shark

Featuring Agents: Arnold, Karpinos, Todd, Minton
And further help from: Grant Austin

Featuring Agents: Arnold, Karpinos, Todd, Minton
And further help from: Grant Austin

The Safety Shark & Agent Minton
Only one day after the famous Shark Attack on Chapel Hill, a strikingly similar shark appeared on the late night Franklin St. scene, The Safety Shark.  Unlike the vicious shark from the previous day, The Safety Shark was a friendly creature, promoting a message of driving home sober.  “Hello everyone!  I’m Safety Shark!  Remember not to drink and drive tonight!  No drunk driving, kids!”.

Safety Shark vs. Heineken Helmet
Safety Shark greeted Chapel Hill students as the exited the bars at 1:00 AM with his friendly greeting of safety.  Unfortunately, not everyone was quite so friendly back to Safety Shark.  Pretty quickly, a man wearing a Heineken bucket on his head began to taunt Safety Shark.  The two icons faced off in a battle of words, Safety Shark standing for responsible drinking and Heineken Helmet promoting drunken revelry.

“Are you the same shark we saw on campus yesterday?”
The females on the street were far friendlier to Safety Shark.  Many requested to have their photo taken with him (he only agreed if they promised, “No drunk driving!”).  Things began to get out of hand as agent Karpinos began to taunt the Safety Shark.  Along with agent Arnold and IE associate Grant Austin, Karpinos told the crowds that for $1 he would let them take a swing at the shark with his inflatable WWF bat.  While no one actually paid the dollar,  Austin, Arnold, Karpinos, and agent Minton all took shots at the shark with the bat.  In the midst of the violence, other members of the crowd started to intimidate the Safety Shark, pushing and attempting to tackle him.

“If you don’t leave me along, I’m going to call my supervisor!”
As Safety Shark started getting concerned about his own safety, agent Todd (who was in the costume) stopped using his happy squeaky ‘safety shark’ voice and began using his normal, ‘man who is in a shark costume’ voice.  “Stop hitting me.  Stop it!  Stop!  Leave me alone!  I’m just trying to do my job!”  Things began to escalate as agent Karpinos began to repeatedly assault agent Todd.  A girl from the crowd tried to break up the fight by asking the two to hug each other and make up.  When Safety Shark went in for the hug, Karpinos hit him and stole his mask, taking off down the street with it.  Todd was now left with his bare head sticking out of the shark suit, humiliated.  “Come back here!  Give that back!  I’m calling my supervisor!!”  The chase ended when two police officers stopped Karpinos.  “Give that guy his shark head back or I’m going to arrest you right now.”  Agent Karpinos complied with the police and the Safety Shark left the scene, dejected.

Other highlights:

  • Woman argues that the name “Safety Shark” is an oxymoron.  “Why are you a shark!?  Sharks aren’t safe!  This is ridiculous!  Do you know how many shark attacks there were this summer?”  (Safety Shark replied, “Do you know how many drunk driving accidents there were this summer?”)
  • Safety Shark is repeatedly asked, “Hey were you the shark that was on campus yesterday?”
  • A woman reaches between Safety Shark’s legs and grabs his crotch from behind.  Safety Shark exclaims, “Whoa now!  Safety Shark is married!!”

IE agents saved the day again!  Chapel Hill citizens are now free to live their lives away from the fear of shark attacks.  For now.  Mission accomplished.


  1. reading page… giggle giggle giggle.

    Read this: A woman reaches between Safety Shark’s legs and grabs his crotch from behind. Safety Shark exclaims, “Whoa now! Safety Shark is married!!”

    HOWLING with laughter. My cat looks up from his nap, giving me a dirty look.


  2. ROFL, i just read the same part and laughed out load as loud as possible at 1:30am in the morning… i hope i didnt wake up my flatmates…

  3. You guys are stinkin hilarious!! the shark thing is good too. I love how the officer says "give the guy back his shark head right now or im going to arrest you" – one of the funniest things ive ever heard!!

  4. Oh man, “Do you know how many drunk driving accidents there were this summer?” was SO clever and on-the-ball. That’s my favorite part.

  5. i love the fact that the man wearing the heiniken bucket was not part of IE, he was just another drunkard with a bucket on his head- priceless!!!

  6. yeah for bucket-headed dude! And also, “Whoa now, safety shark is married!” will be added to my list of quotes. thanks for making me laugh time and again, IE!