1 train, car 1, group 1, stop 4

I had been trying to be a part of the No-Pants ride for the past 4 years but something always came up. This year I vowed I was going to go on the ride even if it was going to be thirty below out and hailing baseballs!

Me and a friend joined a group of people who signed up for the event via Meetup.com. We showed up at the northwest corner of Worth & Center Streets around 2:30 pm, about two dozen of us in all. (As an aside, why doesn’t the city paint a compass rose on the ground in front of subway stations, so that people can know for sure which direction north or east is, instead of having to fumble around? I’m just saying.) It took us some time before we realized that we actually were supposed to assemble at Foley Square instead. By the time we strolled over to Foley Square, there must have been at least a thousand people there! It was great! More than a thousand people as nuts as me. There really is strength in numbers!

When Todd said, “Everyone who’s never done this before, squat down,” the number of people crouching down near the ground was impressive. Also, staying in that position as he said “OK, one year veterans…two year veterans…” got more and more uncomfortable. Then he said, “Cameramen are on top of the roof over there, everyone wave hello,” and I felt like I was in “Enemy of the State” — cameras everywhere, no one is safe, argh! But only an aerial view could actually give you a sense of how many crazy New Yorkers would show up for an event like this!

Then he told us to assemble near a group leader holding up a number representing our birth month. For some reason D., our Meetup organizer, was sort of freaking out about having to do the ride, and was insistent, “For today, everyone of us is a January baby, we gonna stick together!” So we all went over to the lady who was holding up the piece of paper with a big black 1 on it. Since she was way at the back of this crowd and I was much taller than her, I volunteered to hold up the sign. And as soon as I did, the guy with the megaphone said, “OK, now stand behind your group leader, that guy holding up the sign.” Yikes!

There was a bit of confusion surrounding exactly how we were to get to the station, and who was supposed to get into which car (that whole “last digit of your phone number” routine sort of broke down in practice), but eventually our group wound its way to the subway station. Fortunately, the 1 train took its own sweet time to get going so we had enough time to totally get confused. “How come no one is entering cars 2, 3, 4,…?” “Where is our leader?” “Which stop am I getting off at again?” Eventually most of us just said to ourselves, “Screw it!” and we all piled into the first car.

When we got to the first stop, and the first person took off his pants, I moved away from the door towards the other door to watch the reactions of “civilians”, and then I realized that most of the people in the car were in my group. Rats. By the time we got to the 3rd stop, I started trying to get my pants off and had to take off my sneakers first and all that, which was a pain in the butt. (Note to self #1: next year, wear track suit trousers with snaps on the side so that you can de-pants in one quick and easy motion.) I barely got them off and into my knapsack in time for the doors to open at my stop.

Waiting on the platform with my friend, who was also participating, strangely felt so normal and natural. Luckily, underground it wasn’t nearly as cold as it was up top, so that helped a lot. Plus the trains are heated anyway, and as I told everyone who would listen, as long as you keep your head covered and your core warm, you should make out OK. When the next train arrived, we both got on, and the real fun began. I stood up near the pole in the center of the car and put on a bored expression. There was a guy in front of me who put on his iPod, and was seriously rocking out, oblivious to the stares of everyone around him since he had on blue boxers and nothing else. Then I decided to look at the subway map and make sure that we were going in the right direction, and the lady who was in front of me had a wonderfully frightened and weirded-out look on her face. At each stop, more and more pantsless people got on, and with each stop, more questions were raised. There was a German couple behind me — I never saw their faces — who were talking about the No-Pants Ride and how it started and all that, and I was willing them to shut up and not ruin it for everyone.

Eventually, we got to 42nd St./Times Square, and we got out to transfer to the R/W to head down to 14th St./Union Square. Walking down that corridor, going down the stairs, passing through “the crossroads of the world” in my undies along with hundreds of other people similarly clad, was surreal. People could only stop and stare as we walked passed those pan-pipe musicians in the middle of the station — they even missed a beat or two as I strode past them and I heard one whisper under his breath “¿Que?”

We got down to the platform for the R/W train and waited for it to arrive, so I walked over to the other side of the platform, and on the other track people were pointing, whooping and hollering in amazement at the sight of all us pantsless people, but I refused to break character. On the R heading back to Union Square, I sat down next to a person who asked me, “Why the no trousers today?” and I told her, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” with a straight face. She looked at me like I had taken complete leave of my senses, and went back to reading her book…and then she looked across the train and saw three girls in a row also without pants, and she was just open-mouthed.

We got to 14th St./Union Square just in time to see a girl in some green panties doing an ad libbed song with a black guy playing a guitar (one of the regular subway musicians). The crowd around them cheered and whooped and hollered, masses of tourists took pictures of us all, and it was simply great. I wish now I had some of those pictures of me with my friends, but there was no real way to keep track of all the photogs. (Note to self #2: next year, make sure you go with a friend with his/her own camera!)

After hanging out for awhile someone suggested that we go for another run, back to Times Square and then back to Union Square, so we could get the full No Pants experience. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We turned around and went back to Times Square on the R/W, and while on the train, I sat down opposite this Hispanic guy who would look at me with a critical eye, then as more of us pantless people came on to the car, he was REALLY confused.

When we all came off the train at Union Square, we walked out into the street…and it was SNOWING! Wheeeee! So there I was running around Union Square in my sunny Hawaiian Tropic shorts and not a care in the world…brilliant!

We ended up walking to Sidebar and people were coming in the other direction saying, “The place is full, the place is full,” but we were like, “Screw that, where’s our free drink? I didn’t risk pneumonia for nothing!” Along the way, civilians were asking us, “Aren’t you cold? What’s with the no pants?” and while my companions were giving honest answers I was still in character, so:

“What do you mean, I’m not wearing pants?”
“I’m from Wasilla, Alaska: this is like summer weather to me.”
“I always dress like this.”
“It’s against my religion to wear pants on a Saturday.”

(Note to self #3: if you want to cross a busy street, there’s nothing like appearing in the snow in shorts to make traffic stop for you.)

Sidebar was packed but after about half an hour we were able to get our rum and Cokes and hang out with fellow pantsless people. Eventually, we moved on to the Crocodile Lounge, with its pizza and beer, and then on to Cheap Shots. As we walked into each bar, we quickly turned into evangelists of the no pants look; any new person who walked into the bar was accosted by chants of “NO – PANTS! NO – PANTS!” until they too stripped down to their undies. A whole bunch of us made arrangements to continue the pantsless madness by going to Bryant Park for pantsless ice skating, and Facebook and other details were exchanged.

The most amazing thing about the entire enterprise was how normal it all felt; when I had to put my pants back on before heading back home, it seemed odd. I got so used to my pantsless state that all those who had pants on seemed to be the odd ones out, not me!

This year’s No Pants Subway Ride NYC was a fantastic experience and I will definitely come out again next year. I hope it snows then too!

P.S.: I’ve looked through hundreds and hundreds of photos and saw some of the video footage of the event, but I haven’t seen a good shot of me yet. I was the tall guy in the cream baseball cap, glasses, white hoodie, white K SWISS sneakers, and Hawaiian Tropic boxers. If you were the girl who took a picture of my backside, proudly displaying the word “ALOHA”, please let me know.

P.P.S.: Based on what I saw on No Pants 2k9, I can say with little contradiction that New York girls have the best legs in the country!

Best physical reaction: Old lady standing next to me and not holding on to the pole very well, bumping into me/my backpack a bunch of times, until she looked down and saw I didn’t have pants on — then she held the pole very tightly and didn’t bump me anymore

Best verbal reaction: Girl to guy – “Aren’t you cold? You’re nuts for going outside in this weather without pants on.” Me to guy – “Seriously, you’re crazy – I don’t know how you’re going outside without a hat or hood or scarf or anything.” Girl to me – “WHAT? You think he’s crazy because he doesn’t have a hat and you’re not wearing pants? I can’t believe this. That’s the craziest thing I’ve heard all day. How can he be crazy for going out without a hat if you don’t have pants? You don’t have pants on!”

Best conversation: With some guy in SideBar afterwards, complaining to me about all of the pantsless people: ‘Who do these people think they are?… Why don’t they have pants on?… Stupid people…’ — the guy ranted to me for a few minutes and I kept agreeing, hoping he would notice at some point that I didn’t have pants either. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice before he walked away

Best interaction with the police: Traffic cop – “Daaaaaaaaamn, you gotta be cold.”

1) to the friends who bailed out at the last minute…YOU missed an awesome time

2) to the E-train/7 car…Thanks for making me feel welcome

3) WHen it was all done and the pants came back on..I was actually a littel too warm for a while…really weird

4) One piece of advice… If this conflicts with an event with your church…don’t show up late and try to explain to your priest that you were late, because you had to ride the subway with no pants on…It is just gonna earn you funny looks from the parish folk for a while

The conductor on the 6 train: “If you see a suspicious package, please report it to the MTA authorities!”